And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
