I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
