don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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