I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
