Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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