remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
