I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
