Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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