i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
