you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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