my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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