every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Operation Purity has been aborted
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
