Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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