Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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