I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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