i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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