I just cut my nipple shaving
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
