my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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