My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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