how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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