At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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