You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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