Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
