Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
