Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
