did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
