all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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