just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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