So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Randomize
