A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
