Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
