I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
accomplished twins. life is a go
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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