My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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