cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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