I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
