Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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