Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
