my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize