Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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