i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
