then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize