I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
COCAINE IS GR8
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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