Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Two words: blizzard sex
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
