Cold hands, warm shart.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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