I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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