walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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