I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
that is very illegal...i love you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
