I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
