remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
