I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
