i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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