Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
