I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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