Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
