Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
