I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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