i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
