They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
