I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
