i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
