Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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