I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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