I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
