She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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