I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
